April 17 | When God Wants You to Let Go: A Biblical Guide to Unfriending Toxic People
The Christian Struggle with Toxic Relationships
Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship that drains more life than it gives? You're not alone. For many Christians, the struggle to reconcile our faith with the need to create distance from harmful people can feel like an impossible dilemma.
I spent years thinking that being a good Christian meant keeping everyone in my life forever—no matter how toxic they became. As a performer, I've always struggled with wanting everyone to like me. When someone would criticize or pull away from me, I'd shift into people-pleasing mode, trying to figure out how to win their approval. I'd contort myself into whatever shape I thought they wanted, losing bits of my authentic self along the way.
Perhaps you've experienced something similar. Maybe you've stayed in draining friendships, challenging work relationships, or even harmful family dynamics because you believed that's what God wanted from you. But what if I told you that the Bible actually gives us permission—even guidance—on when to create distance from certain relationships?
In this comprehensive guide, we'll explore what Scripture truly says about toxic relationships, how to recognize when a relationship has become harmful, and practical steps for setting biblical boundaries. By the end, you'll have a clear framework for navigating difficult relationships in a way that honors both God and the unique calling He's placed on your life.
What Scripture Really Says About Harmful Relationships
The Biblical Principle of Selective Association
Many Christians operate under the misconception that Jesus calls us to maintain all relationships at all costs. However, Scripture paints a different picture.
Proverbs 13:20 tells us, "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm."
This verse isn't suggesting we merely tolerate harmful relationships; it's giving us permission to be selective about who influences us. God actually expects us to exercise wisdom in our relationships.
Think about this practical example: Would you let someone who's constantly drunk drive your children somewhere? Of course not. Yet sometimes we let people who are "drunk" on negativity, manipulation, or drama drive our emotional and spiritual lives without question.
Paul's Clear Instruction on Distancing
In 1 Corinthians 5:11, Paul writes, "But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people."
That's a strong statement! Paul is saying there are times when distancing yourself from certain relationships isn't just permitted—it's prescribed. This isn't about judging others, but about protecting yourself and your faith community from harmful influences.
Jesus Set Boundaries Too
Many Christians believe that being Christ-like means being a doormat. This simply isn't accurate. Jesus set clear boundaries throughout His ministry:
He limited time with larger crowds to preserve energy for His core mission
He confronted harmful behavior directly (think of His interactions with the Pharisees)
He instructed His disciples to "shake the dust off their feet" and move on when their message wasn't received (Matthew 10:14)
Jesus demonstrated that love and boundaries aren't mutually exclusive—they're complementary.
Recognizing Toxic Relationships: Signs It May Be Time to Create Distance
How do you know when a relationship has crossed from merely challenging into potentially toxic territory? Here are some biblical indicators:
They Consistently Pull You Away From Your Faith
If someone regularly criticizes your faith, pressures you to compromise your values, or mocks your spiritual commitments, this is a significant red flag. In Matthew 18:6, Jesus warns about those who cause others to stumble in their faith.
They Demonstrate Ongoing Harmful Patterns Without Repentance
Everyone makes mistakes, but toxic relationships are characterized by repeated harmful behavior without genuine acknowledgment or effort to change. Scripture emphasizes the importance of repentance (turning away from harmful actions). When someone refuses to acknowledge the pain they cause, relationship dynamics cannot improve.
Your Attempts at Healthy Communication Are Rejected
In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus outlines a process for addressing wrongs: speak to the person directly, bring witnesses if needed, and involve the church community if necessary. If someone consistently rejects attempts at healthy communication and conflict resolution, it may indicate a toxic dynamic.
You Find Yourself Compromising Your Core Values and Identity
If you regularly feel the need to hide parts of yourself, change your personality, or violate your own boundaries to maintain the relationship, this isn't healthy. Galatians 5:1 reminds us that Christ has set us free—we shouldn't return to the bondage of people-pleasing.
The Relationship Is Characterized by Control, Manipulation, or Fear
God's love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). Relationships rooted in manipulation, control, or intimidation do not reflect God's design for human connection. Such dynamics contradict the freedom and peace that should characterize Christian relationships.
My Personal Experience with Setting Boundaries
I remember a friendship I had several years ago with someone I'll call Mark. We'd been close since college, but as we grew older, his behavior became increasingly toxic. He'd make cutting remarks disguised as "jokes," constantly criticize my faith, and drain every conversation with his negativity.
For years, I justified keeping him close. "I need to be Jesus to him," I'd tell myself. "What kind of Christian would I be if I walked away?"
But the relationship was taking a toll. My spiritual life was suffering. I found myself dreading our interactions. I was becoming someone I didn't recognize—more cynical, more guarded, less joyful.
After much prayer and counsel, I finally had an honest conversation with Mark. I explained how his behavior affected me and established some clear boundaries. When those boundaries were repeatedly violated, I made the difficult decision to step back from the friendship.
Was it painful? Absolutely. Did I question myself? For months. But looking back, I can see how that space allowed me to grow spiritually and emotionally in ways I couldn't have otherwise.
A Biblical Framework for Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships
1. Check Your Own Heart First
Before establishing boundaries, examine your own contribution to the relationship dynamics. Jesus reminds us to address the plank in our own eye before focusing on the speck in another's (Matthew 7:3-5). Ask yourself:
Have I contributed to the toxicity?
Are there ways I need to apologize or change my own behavior?
Am I setting this boundary out of love or out of bitterness?
2. Have Direct, Loving Conversations
Many relationships could be restored if we were brave enough to have honest conversations. Ephesians 4:15 encourages us to speak "the truth in love." This means:
Addressing specific behaviors, not attacking the person's character
Using "I" statements to express how their actions affect you
Approaching the conversation with a spirit of reconciliation, not retaliation
3. Establish Clear, Communicated Boundaries
Boundaries aren't walls; they're guidelines that protect what's valuable. Clearly communicate what you need:
"I care about you, but I can't continue conversations that involve criticism of my faith."
"I need to step away when you speak to me in that tone."
"I'm happy to meet in public places, but I'm not comfortable having you in my home right now."
4. If Boundaries Are Repeatedly Violated, Prayerfully Consider Distance
When someone consistently demonstrates they're unwilling to respect your boundaries, creating distance may be necessary. This isn't about punishment but protection—both for yourself and potentially for them.
Distance might look like:
Limiting the frequency of interaction
Meeting only in certain contexts
Taking a defined break from the relationship
In some cases, ending the relationship entirely
5. Release the Guilt
Jesus didn't die on the cross so you could be emotionally manipulated, verbally abused, or spiritually undermined by toxic relationships. Setting boundaries isn't un-Christian—it's actually stewardship of the life and calling God has given you.
When Distance Is Actually the Most Loving Choice
Sometimes unfriending is actually the most loving thing you can do—both for yourself and the other person. When we maintain relationships without boundaries, we often enable harmful behavior rather than inspiring growth.
The space created by stepping back sometimes gives the other person room to reflect, change, and experience the natural consequences of their actions in ways our continued presence would prevent.
Think of it this way: If someone keeps touching a hot stove and getting burned, but you continually treat their burns without explaining the cause, you're not helping them avoid future pain. Sometimes the most loving thing is to step back and allow natural consequences to teach what our words couldn't.
Maintaining a Spirit of Forgiveness Even With Distance
Creating distance doesn't mean harboring bitterness. Jesus calls us to forgive as we have been forgiven (Matthew 6:14-15). But forgiveness doesn't always mean reconciliation.
Forgiveness is:
Releasing the right to get even
Letting go of bitterness
Wishing the person well
A decision, not just a feeling
Forgiveness isn't:
Pretending the harm didn't happen
Automatically restoring trust
Removing all consequences
Necessarily resuming the relationship as before
You can forgive someone while still maintaining healthy distance.
Practical Steps for Moving Forward After Creating Distance
Surround Yourself With Life-Giving Relationships
Proverbs 27:17 tells us that "as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Intentionally invest in relationships that challenge you to grow, encourage your faith, and fill your emotional tank rather than draining it.
Continue to Pray for the Person
Jesus calls us to pray for those who mistreat us (Luke 6:28). Prayer keeps our hearts soft and leaves room for God to work in ways we can't.
Be Open to Reconciliation If True Change Occurs
While wisdom may require distance now, remain open to the possibility of reconciliation if genuine transformation occurs. God is in the business of changing hearts—including our own.
Use Your Experience to Help Others
Your journey through toxic relationships and toward healthy boundaries can become a ministry to others facing similar struggles. 2 Corinthians 1:4 reminds us that God "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
Finding Freedom in Biblical Boundaries
Just because someone was part of your story yesterday doesn't mean they're meant to be there tomorrow. And wrestling with this reality isn't a failure of faith—it's actually deeply biblical.
God wants you to walk with the wise so you can become wise. He wants to protect you from unnecessary harm. Sometimes, that means having the courage to let certain relationships go.
So today, I invite you to ask yourself: Are there relationships in your life that God might be calling you to reimagine? Are there boundaries you need to establish? Is there distance that needs to be created—not out of anger or unforgiveness, but out of wisdom and stewardship?
Remember: Setting boundaries isn't just self-care—it's spiritual wisdom. It's not just protection—it's stewardship of the calling God has placed on your life.
An Invitation to go Deeper….
If today’s message spoke to you, join the FaithLabz 30-Day Prayer Challenge and strengthen your connection with God’s unshakable love. You are never alone—let’s grow together!
