June 17 | When Control Becomes Your Idol: A Personal Journey from Panic to Peace Through God's Provision
How losing $80,000 in two weeks taught me the difference between self-reliance and God-reliance
The Moment Everything Fell Apart
Picture this: it's March 2020, and in the span of just fourteen days, I watched eighty thousand dollars worth of contracted work vanish into thin air. As a professional magician and entertainer, my entire livelihood depended on live events - birthday parties, corporate shows, school assemblies. When the world shut down, so did my income.
But this isn't just a story about financial loss. It's about something far more profound: the battle between our desperate need for control and God's invitation to trust His perfect provision. It's about learning that sometimes our greatest breakthroughs come not when we try harder, but when we finally let go.
If you've ever found yourself white-knuckling your way through a crisis, convinced that your success depends entirely on your own efforts, this story is for you. Because what I discovered in those dark weeks of 2020 fundamentally changed how I understand faith, control, and God's faithfulness.
The Control Trap: When Self-Reliance Becomes Self-Destruction
The Illusion of Complete Control
Before the pandemic, I had built what I thought was a secure business. Shows were booked months in advance, income was steady, and I felt like I had everything under control. Looking back, I realize I had fallen into one of the most dangerous traps Christians face: believing that our success is entirely dependent on our own efforts.
This isn't to say that hard work doesn't matter - it absolutely does. Scripture is clear about the value of diligence and faithful stewardship. But there's a fine line between responsible effort and the prideful assumption that we are the masters of our own destiny.
Proverbs 16:9 tells us, "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." I had the planning part down to a science, but I had forgotten who was supposed to be establishing my steps.
The Panic Response: Fighting Reality with Frantic Action
When those first cancellation emails started rolling in, my immediate response was classic control-freak behavior. I didn't pause to pray, seek wisdom, or even fully process what was happening. Instead, I immediately shifted into what I call "panic productivity" mode.
I spent the next several weeks in a frenzy of activity:
Updating my resume for the first time in years
Scrolling through job boards until 2 AM
Reaching out to every professional contact I could think of
Researching new career paths and opportunities
Applying for positions I wasn't even qualified for
On the surface, this might seem like responsible action. And to be fair, there was nothing inherently wrong with exploring new opportunities. But my motivation was all wrong. I wasn't seeking God's guidance or trusting His provision. I was operating from a place of fear and desperate self-reliance.
The Spiritual Lesson: What Panic Reveals About Our Hearts
When Crisis Exposes Our True Foundation
Here's what I didn't realize at the time: crisis has a way of revealing what we're really trusting in. When everything is going well, it's easy to give God credit while secretly believing that our success is primarily due to our own wisdom and hard work. But when everything falls apart, our true foundation is exposed.
James 1:2-4 encourages us to "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
The testing of my faith revealed that despite years of attending church and calling myself a Christian, I was still operating as the CEO of my own life. I was treating God more like a consultant I occasionally called for advice rather than the Lord who owns everything, including my career and provision.
The Prayer Problem: Surface-Level Communication
During those first few weeks of crisis, I did pray - but not really. My prayers were more like briefings I gave to God about my situation, followed by polite requests for His blessing on my own plans. They sounded something like this:
"God, you know I've lost all my work. Please bless my job search. Help me find something quickly. Show me which applications to submit. Help me interview well."
There's nothing wrong with bringing our practical needs to God, but I was missing the deeper invitation. I was asking God to bless my agenda rather than seeking His agenda. I was praying for success in my plans rather than wisdom to discern His plans.
The Breakthrough: When Surrender Leads to Solutions
The Moment of Release
After several weeks of frantic searching with little to show for it, I hit what recovery programs call "rock bottom." I remember sitting in my home office - the same space where I used to practice magic routines and plan shows - feeling completely defeated.
It was in that moment of exhaustion that I finally had an honest conversation with God. Instead of briefing Him on my plans, I simply said, "I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. I need You to show me something, anything."
This wasn't a sophisticated theological prayer. It wasn't eloquent or well-structured. It was just honest. And sometimes, honesty is the most spiritual thing we can offer.
Real Prayer: From Monologue to Dialogue
What happened next changed everything. Instead of immediately jumping back into action mode, I began spending time in actual prayer conversation with God. Night after night, I would sit in that office and talk to Him about:
My fears about providing for my family
My confusion about which direction to go
My embarrassment about losing so much work so quickly
My anxiety about an uncertain future
My struggle with feeling like I had let everyone down
This wasn't me asking for specific outcomes. This was me being vulnerable about my internal experience and inviting God into my emotional reality.
Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." I was finally learning to pour out my heart rather than present my agenda.
God's Perfect Timing and Unexpected Solutions
The morning after one of these honest prayer sessions, my phone rang. It was a friend I hadn't spoken to in months. Without any prompting from me about my situation, he said, "Hey, I don't know if you'd be interested, but I've started doing virtual magic shows for companies trying to keep morale up while everyone's working from home. Want me to walk you through the technical setup?"
Virtual shows. The idea had never even occurred to me. I had been so focused on replacing my income with a traditional job that I hadn't considered adapting my existing skills to the new reality.
Within days, I was learning about lighting, camera angles, and streaming software. Within weeks, I was booking virtual performances. Within months, I had not only replaced my lost income but discovered an entirely new revenue stream that I continue to use today.
The Deeper Spiritual Truths: Lessons from the Journey
Surrender Isn't Giving Up - It's Giving Over
One of the most important distinctions I learned during this experience is the difference between giving up and giving over. Giving up is resignation and defeat. Giving over is entrusting our situation to someone more capable than ourselves.
When I finally stopped trying to force solutions and started asking God for His solutions, everything changed. This aligns perfectly with Isaiah 55:8-9, where God says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways... As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
God Wasn't Waiting for Me to Fail - He Was Waiting for Me to Ask
Here's a revelation that still amazes me: God wasn't sitting back waiting for me to exhaust all my options before He stepped in. He was waiting for me to remember that He was an option. The solution came not after I had tried everything else, but after I finally included Him in my planning process.
This teaches us something profound about God's character. He doesn't enjoy watching us struggle unnecessarily. But He also won't force His guidance on us if we're determined to handle things ourselves.
The Solution Was Right Where I Was
Perhaps the most beautiful part of this story is that God's solution was literally right where I was sitting. My office - the same space where I had felt so hopeless - became the stage for virtual performances that sustained my family through the pandemic.
This reminds me of the story of Moses and the burning bush. When God appeared to Moses, He didn't call him to travel somewhere else to receive his mission. The holy ground was right where Moses was standing.
Sometimes we think we need to go somewhere else or become someone else for God to use us. But often, He wants to transform our current circumstances rather than remove us from them.
Practical Application: How to Trust God's Control in Your Own Life
Identify Your Control Areas
Take an honest inventory of the areas in your life where you're currently white-knuckling control. Common areas include:
Career and financial security
Relationships and family dynamics
Health challenges and medical outcomes
Children's futures and choices
Retirement planning and investments
Ministry opportunities and church involvement
The goal isn't to become passive or irresponsible in these areas. The goal is to hold them with open hands, actively stewarding what God has given us while trusting Him with the outcomes.
Move from Briefing to Dialogue in Prayer
Transform your prayer life from giving God briefings about your situation to having genuine dialogue about your internal experience. Instead of just asking for specific outcomes, share:
Your fears and anxieties about the situation
Your confusion about which direction to go
Your past experiences that are influencing your current perspective
Your hopes and dreams for how things might unfold
Your need for wisdom, peace, and direction
Look for God's Solutions in Unexpected Places
Often, we're so focused on the solutions we think we need that we miss the solutions God is actually providing. The virtual show idea came from a completely unexpected source and in a way I never would have planned.
Stay open to possibilities that don't fit your preconceived notions of how God should solve your problems. His ways are creative, surprising, and often more wonderful than anything we could have imagined.
The Ongoing Journey of Trust
Learning to trust God's control rather than relying on our own isn't a one-time lesson - it's an ongoing journey. Even now, several years later, I still catch myself trying to take back control in various areas of my life. The difference is that now I recognize it more quickly and know how to surrender more readily.
Jeremiah 29:11 promises that God has "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." But sometimes we need to get our hands off the wheel long enough to let Him drive.
If you're in a season right now where you feel like you have to control everything, where you feel like it's all up to you, remember this: God's got this. He's got you. He has plans for you that are so much better than anything you could force into existence.
The question isn't whether God is capable of providing for you - He absolutely is. The question is whether you're willing to include Him in your planning process and trust His timing and methods, even when they don't make sense from your limited perspective.
Your breakthrough might be one honest prayer away.
An Invitation to go Deeper….
If today’s message spoke to you, join the FaithLabz 30-Day Prayer Challenge and strengthen your connection with God’s unshakable love. You are never alone—let’s grow together!
