NOV 16 | When Peace Isn't Possible: The Revolutionary Truth About Romans 12:18 That Changes Everything About Christian Relationships
Have you ever felt like a failure because you couldn't fix that broken relationship? What if I told you that sometimes, God doesn't expect you to?
The Duct Tape Dilemma
We've all been there. Standing in the ruins of a relationship, holding our metaphorical duct tape, desperately trying to piece things back together. Whether it's a family member who won't forgive, a friend who betrayed trust, or a church member who seems committed to misunderstanding everything you say – we exhaust ourselves trying to force peace where peace refuses to grow.
But here's what transformed my understanding of Christian relationships: Romans 12:18 begins with two words that most sermons skip right over – "If possible."
Those two words changed everything I believed about biblical peacemaking, and they might just save your sanity too.
The Scripture That Sets Us Free
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." - Romans 12:18
Did you catch that? Paul, the apostle who endured beatings, stonings, and shipwrecks for the gospel, acknowledges that sometimes peace simply isn't possible. This isn't a cop-out or an excuse for lazy Christianity. This is divine wisdom recognizing human reality.
For years, I believed that broken relationships were always evidence of my spiritual failure. If I just prayed harder, forgave more completely, or tried one more approach, surely I could restore what was broken. But Paul's words reveal a more nuanced truth that the modern church often misses.
Understanding "As Far As It Depends on You"
The Greek construction here is remarkable – it literally means "out from you" or "what originates from your side." This isn't just about your actions; it's about taking complete ownership of what flows from your heart and life while recognizing the boundaries of your influence.
What This Means Practically:
You ARE responsible for:
Examining your own heart and motives
Apologizing genuinely for your mistakes
Forgiving (even when reconciliation isn't possible)
Maintaining an open door when safe to do so
Praying for the other person (real prayers, not passive-aggressive petitions)
Refusing to gossip or seek revenge
Keeping your heart soft despite their hardness
You are NOT responsible for:
Their response or lack thereof
Their healing timeline
Their willingness to engage
Their capacity to forgive
Their choice to hold grudges
Their commitment to misunderstanding
Their decision to remain enemies
This framework liberates us from the exhausting burden of trying to control outcomes we were never meant to control. You can't force someone to accept your apology. You can't make someone see your perspective. You can't heal what someone else is determined to keep broken.
The Radical Admission: Sometimes It's Not Possible
Here's where Paul's teaching becomes genuinely revolutionary. The phrase "if it is possible" acknowledges what toxic positivity in modern Christianity often denies: some relationships cannot be restored this side of heaven.
Consider the biblical evidence:
Jesus himself didn't have peace with the Pharisees
Paul couldn't reconcile with the Judaizers
David had to flee from Saul despite doing nothing wrong
Paul warns Timothy about Alexander the coppersmith who "did me great harm"
These weren't failures of faith or love. These were wise recognitions of reality.
Biblical Peace vs. Surface Harmony
The Hebrew concept of shalom that underlies biblical peace doesn't mean "absence of conflict" or "everyone pretending to get along." Shalom means wholeness, things being as they should be, relationships functioning in healthy ways.
Sometimes, what "should be" is distance. Sometimes, wholeness requires boundaries. Sometimes, the most peaceful thing you can do is accept that peace with that person isn't possible right now.
Signs That Peace May Not Be Possible:
Ongoing abuse or manipulation - When someone continues to cause intentional harm
Refusal to acknowledge reality - When someone rewrites history to maintain their victim narrative
Weaponized forgiveness - When they demand forgiveness without repentance
Boundary violations - When someone repeatedly disrespects clearly stated boundaries
Destructive patterns - When every interaction causes spiritual or emotional damage
Unsafe dynamics - When maintaining contact puts you or others at risk
The Window and the Baseball Bat
Think of relationships like broken windows. In healthy situations, both people grab their tools and work together to repair the damage. But what happens when you're trying to tape the window while someone on the other side keeps swinging a baseball bat?
This is the reality many Christians face but feel too ashamed to admit. You're doing everything you can to build peace while the other person is actively destroying it. Paul's words give us permission to stop the futile taping and acknowledge the bat.
Forgiveness Without Reconciliation
Here's a truth that needs to be proclaimed more boldly in our churches: you can forgive someone without reconciling with them.
Forgiveness is a command – it's what we do to release bitterness and trust God with justice. But reconciliation requires two willing parties. You can:
Forgive someone and still need boundaries
Release bitterness and still recognize patterns
Pray for someone's wellbeing and still protect yourself from their harm
Love someone and still maintain distance
Want the best for someone and still acknowledge they're not safe
When God Himself Doesn't Have Peace With Everyone
This might shake your theology, but it's biblical truth: God himself doesn't have peace with everyone. Despite being perfect love, despite offering grace freely, despite sending His Son to die for all, some people choose to remain His enemies.
If the Creator of the universe accepts that some relationships won't be restored despite His perfect love, perhaps we can stop condemning ourselves for relationships that remain broken despite our imperfect but genuine efforts.
The Exhaustion of Forced Peace
Many believers are spiritually, emotionally, and even physically exhausted from trying to maintain "peace" that isn't really peace at all. They're:
Walking on eggshells to avoid triggering someone's anger
Apologizing for things they didn't do to keep surface harmony
Accepting blame to end conflicts faster
Minimizing their own hurt to accommodate others
Pretending relationships are healthy when they're clearly not
This isn't biblical peace – it's enabling dysfunction. And Paul's words free us from this exhausting charade.
Practical Steps for "As Far As It Depends on You"
So how do we live this out? How do we know we've done our part?
1. Honest Self-Examination
Before declaring peace impossible, genuinely examine your heart. Are you harboring unforgiveness? Pride? A desire for revenge? Deal with your own stuff first.
2. Clear Communication
Have you actually expressed your concerns clearly and calmly? Many relationships suffer from assumptions and poor communication rather than true irreconcilable differences.
3. Genuine Apology
If you've wronged someone, apologize specifically and without excuses. "I'm sorry you felt that way" isn't an apology. "I was wrong when I _____, and I'm sorry" is.
4. Reasonable Boundaries
Set and communicate boundaries clearly. "I want to have a relationship with you, but I need _____ to feel safe in that relationship."
5. Time and Space
Sometimes peace becomes possible after a season of separation. Leave the door open when safe to do so.
6. Ongoing Prayer
Pray for them genuinely – for their wellbeing, their growth, their healing. Pray for your own heart too.
7. Release and Grieve
When you've done all you can, release the relationship to God. Grieve what was lost. This isn't giving up; it's accepting reality.
The Difference Between Abandoning and Releasing
There's a crucial distinction here: abandoning means you don't care anymore. Releasing means you care enough to stop forcing something that's causing damage.
When you release a relationship:
You still pray for them
You'd welcome restoration if it became possible
You wish them well from a distance
You refuse to seek revenge
You speak about them with grace when necessary
You leave the door open for God to work
This is mature, biblical love – not the sentimental, boundary-free emotion our culture often mistakes for love.
When Church Culture Gets It Wrong
Unfortunately, many church communities inadvertently shame people who can't achieve peace in every relationship. They quote verses about forgiveness and reconciliation without acknowledging the "if possible" clause. They pressure abuse victims to reconcile with unrepentant abusers. They make boundaries sound unspiritual.
This isn't biblical. It's dangerous.
The same Paul who wrote "if possible, live at peace" also wrote:
"Avoid such people" (2 Timothy 3:5)
"Keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness" (2 Thessalonians 3:6)
"Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies" (2 Timothy 2:23)
Wisdom recognizes when peace isn't possible. Love sometimes looks like distance.
The Freedom of Acceptance
What if God is actually proud of you for that boundary you set? What if walking away from that toxic relationship was an act of wisdom, not weakness? What if accepting that peace isn't possible—at least not now—is maturity, not failure?
Many believers carry unnecessary guilt for relationships that couldn't be salvaged. They replay conversations, wondering what they could have done differently. They feel like failed Christians because Sunday School taught them that love conquers all and Christians always reconcile.
But Romans 12:18 offers freedom: You're only responsible for your part. Once you've done what depends on you, the outcome is between them and God.
Living in the Tension
Living out Romans 12:18 means holding two truths in tension:
We pursue peace actively and genuinely
We accept when peace isn't achievable
This isn't passive or defeatist. It's realistic and wise. It preserves our energy for relationships where peace is possible. It protects our hearts from becoming bitter through repeated rejection. It acknowledges human free will and the reality of sin.
The Peace of Acceptance
The revolutionary truth of Romans 12:18 isn't that we should give up easily on difficult relationships. It's that God, in His wisdom and compassion, acknowledges that despite our best efforts, some relationships won't be healed in this lifetime.
This doesn't make you a bad Christian. It makes you human.
Do what depends on you. Own your stuff. Keep your heart soft. Extend grace. Maintain hope. But if they won't meet you halfway? That's not your failure. That's their choice.
And sometimes, the most peaceful thing you can do is accept that reality and entrust that person to God's hands while you move forward in freedom.
Stop trying to duct tape relationships that need surgery only God can perform. Stop exhausting yourself forcing peace with someone committed to war. Stop letting anyone make you think you're not Christian enough because you have boundaries.
Your boundaries might be holy. Your distance might be wise. Your acceptance of "if possible" might be exactly what God is calling you to.
An Invitation to go Deeper….
If today’s message spoke to you, join the FaithLabz 30-Day Prayer Challenge and strengthen your connection with God’s unshakable love. You are never alone—let’s grow together!
